Saturday, December 25, 2010

its my fault.

im angry, yes what else is new.
im angry at you, im angry at him, im angry at me.
i can always find an excuse to hate somebody, to get angry, to blame someone else.
im full of excuses, and excuses are full of shit.
i dont know how to deal with my self sometimes.
i hate me, but im proud of who i am. well, most of me.
how can you be so shallow,
how can i be so shallow.
how can you be so stupid,
how can i be so judgemental.
why would you do such a thing,
why cant i just get over it.
the worst part of seeing a situation from someone elses view is that you might lose sight of your own point of argument. and you are left with a contradicting opinion that isnt as solid as you thought it was. and the worst part is realizing that the only person in the wrong, is yourself.
how selfish of me, shame on me.
theres nothing you can do, theres nothing i can do.
just get over it, but everyone is. why are you still lingering in the past? only because i can. maybe i want to start shit. maybe its all i have.
sometimes i get so angry, just a thought makes my mind ache, and head quivers.
its normal, right?
i feel like locking myself up in a cage. the total opposite of running away.
Taylor swift soothes my mood. sighhhhhhh

some things i never forget, most of the time its irrelevant.
im very forgetful when it counts though :s

when someone asks me how im doing, i honestly dont know how to answer it anymore.
i either dont remember or theres just too much to say for one question.
instead of explaining my life story, i like to go with the word "good" otherwise id be standing there trying to figure out if ive had more good time than bad or vice versa.

i still cant believe you said that to me.

how long does it take to find out who your true friends are.
im a very fortunate person, im surrounded by awsome people; nice, friendly, caring, giving, selfless, fun loving people. i love my friends.
but sometimes i feel like i never have time for anyone or anything.
i feel like im repeating myself?

2010, the best and worst year of my life. one to remember. definitely.
but one that could easily have been the best year of my life. period.
but i was preoccupied with fighting myself, and trying to be some idiot.
im probably still that idiot, but im working on it.

maybe i should give back to my friends by giving more that i take.
you people inspire me to be better, ive been walking around with my chest out and my head held high for so long i didnt see how much of a fool ive been making of myself.
i really do take my life, friends and family for granted. but i do appreciate what everyone does for me, maybe not as much as i should but i do.

i want to say never look back, but its always good to remember where you came from, but you must also remember to keep moving forward.

or just forget the world and sleep, forever.

i have nothing to complain about. but i do.

goodbye lovers and friends.
if you see me slipping, dont let me go.

Friday, December 10, 2010

release me

the worst place to be right now,
planet earth.
i wanna jump on a spaceship, get high get high.
one way ticket to anywhere but here.

i feel like everything is happening too fast
too much is happening at the same time.
i thought that finishing year 12 would have meant fun, happiness, joy, emancipation !!
it was supposed to mean everyone feeling the relief of finishing school and being stress free.
but no it just meant we didnt have to put up with each others shit or force ourselves into conversation. maybe thats all it was. a masquerade.

i dont want to seem like im making a big deal of nothing or that im insensitive but i really dont even know anymore. i used to think to myself, 'theres always someone whos got it worse than you' but i dont even know how good or bad i got it anymore. im such a fucking confusing kunt.

My fave definitions of friend, courtesy of URBAN DICTIONARY

1. Friend
A real friend is someone who:

a)it's okay to fart in front of.

b)you don't mind talking to on the bus for at least 20 minutes.

c)can borrow $5 and never has to pay it back

d)you'll actually call up do stuff.
Bob: "Hey Jim, you wanna go see a show downtown"
Jim: "Sorry man, I'm broke, and how are we gonna get there."
Bob: "No problem, I'll lend you the 5 bucks and we'll take the bus."
Jim: "Yeah, okay" (loud farting sound)
Bob: "Whoah! That was a good one!

Bob and Jim are friends.

2. Friend
A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.

A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.

A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.

A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.

A friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.

A friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower.

yeah i like this shit.

to the girlfriend,
. . . . . . . yeah.

late for work.
goodbye for now, goodnight for later, fuck you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

caged in.

it's my fault, but im angry at you.
i cut you open, but i bleed.
i hate you, come closer.
fuck make up your mind.
eenie meenie shut the fuck up.

fuck man, im not ready for this shit.
i hate my phone plan, i hate credit cards and i hate promises.
metaphorically, shut your mouth.
something so fucking small, can be such a big deal.
i'm so far from myself right now.

end blog. goodnight.

Friday, September 24, 2010

seclusion puts me back together again

fuck, same question different post

what the fuck is my problem
what the fuck is wrong with me
im dysfunctional?
the suns out the grass is green and the water is warm
yet theres this one dark cloud that keeps popping up
following me around like a shadow.
just a thought that lingers at the back of my mind
eating away at me when im least suspecting it.
quite the burden actually

like, its nothing to worry about yet im scared
like WHAT THE FUCK MAN.
sometimes i just dont know why i fuck with my own mind
im pointing a drill to my head when i KNOW i can put it down
but i refuse
WHY FUCKEN WHY.
cause im a fucking retard.
fuck why am i so insecure
so paranoid so helpless
i dont even have control of how i think anymore
my mind wanders and i lose it completely.

i feel like im going to do something that im going to regret
something selfish something hurtful something unforgivable
but i guess we'll never know till its too late

i want to learn to let go
i want to learn to set my priorities straight
i want to find myself and be myself
i want to find my wings and get the fuck out of here.

somethings not right and i cant finish this blog,
or maybe im distracted or maybe i was never good at happy endings
or maybe i can never finish what i start or maybe this maybe that

GROW A FUCKING PAIR OF BALLS AND MAN THE FUCK UP.

ps. im a fucking freak that thinks in circles

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

i'll break your wings so you can never fly away.

fuck, im furious
im burning green
fuck i am reterded. wtf is my problem man.
ahh fuck.

how awesome is my fkn title.
i really like my titles.
abit of genius.

maybe im over my head ?
maybe im just stupid?
maybe im over thinking or not thinking at all.

fuck sake.
what the fuck is wrong with you/me.
im fucked in the everywhere.
i wonder how much shit i can give to my friends til they all hate me ?
hmmmm. interesting concept.

my world is spinning without me :s
thats not right.
shit load to do but i dont know what it is.
cbf blogging fuck yall nigguhs.

may all your wildest dreams come truee.

Monday, July 12, 2010

beautiful

i hate pretending everything is okay
what else can i do
what am i doing?
fuck, there i go digging my own grave again.
where my guardian angel when i need them
i hope i have one
but we all know that if i did then they would have givin up on me ages ago
im so fucking confused right now
i dont know what teh fuck is going on
i just wanan put the world on hold for a bit
i need to figure myself out
figure you out
im so fucked
i want to say fuck my life
but im sure there are people out there who have it a lot worse than me
i need a sign, but what if this is my sign?
i need options, mayeb i need help
mayeb i just needa know what i want.

fuck it just keeps going downhill.
everything was so good for a split second.
and i lost everything at once.
fucking hell i dont know what to do.
i know what i should do but i dont know if i can.
fuck. call me an alcoholic cos im thirsty.
no fuck you. fucked me over.
fucked myself over fuck.
im not depressed im angry.

yeha this blog took a while to finish
posted on teh 13th btw
fuck.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

where'd you go ?

anger lives in my shadow so whatever you do,
dont turn off the lights.
why hello there anger, i havent felt you for so long i almost missed you.
im so fucking confused.
god why do you do this to me. why
best/worst year of my life.
how do i do this, move around it?
get over it? or take it head on. fuck my fucked life :)

pay for RSA
pay for D&T
get lyxen a present
get lyxen a song
Do multimedia
fuck our lives

for you i will, trust me.

im a dick i know <3

sorry thank you and goodnight

Monday, June 14, 2010

Pull the trigger

happy birthday big ngan.

too much was going on

too much is going on

ive made a terrible mistake

and ive hit a dead end

im sick , im failing, im lazy and hopeless

i push away those that love me and hold on to those that let me down.
im not depressed. im just lost, unorganised and a little bit confused.

just cause you love yourself it doesnt mean youre up yourself

just cause you hate your self it doesnt mean youre depressed.

its either self esteem or self realization that youve done something wrong.

i just need a little time alone to figure myself out,

but even a thousand years wont be enough for me to know what i want

i think ive already used that line, but im feeling it again.

yeha i must admit, i do miss how some things used to be

but im also glad some things have changed too.

if you asked me if i was happy with my life id say yes. duh

only cos im nice and i cbf with the pointles dnm that wont do anything for you or me

all it will do is leave me looking vulnerable and make you think theres something you can do to make things better

i was thinking right am i a nice guy, like genuinely ?

i dont need your opinion. i was just curious.

i liek to think i am but when i die and am judged by god, what would he say.

i dont know but i dont think i want to :s

sorry to say, but i still dont know who my real friends are.

but i hope i'll always be friends with them especially after year 12.

Monday, June 7, 2010

i have no heart

if i die, i hope im born again
so i'd have another chance to be with you

i am crazy

i dont know how i thought of that :\
unlesss i heard it somewhere else and i just remembered now :s

Monday, May 31, 2010

you're not in this thing alone

theres always a place in me you can call home.
fight for this love - cheryl cole.

so my big day is soon. :(
wtf fuck am i doing ?
how the fuck am i doing it ?
i wanan go out on friday but both my budget and unorganisation
is stopping me
how did it ever come to this
i thought i was teh organised one
the one who would plan ahead and not stress . . . . .

im just sitting waitin wishing
for someone to talk to me about the untalkable
we all know bits and pieces but noones curious?
i guess not

yeha what happened to me.
im a dog that hates when friends dog me out
im a "when you do it your an arsehole, when i do it, its okay" guy
am i happy with who i am ?

alot of shit can happen in so little time
it kinda scares but amazes me
my birthday sounds shit
:\
i dont even want to do it anymore
but fuck its too late now
but i want a party but not at my house :|
fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
too much homework
too little time
too little money
too much on my mind

fuck ing ray gee
i dont know what im doing
i dont know where im going
but i do know i dont want to do it alone.

the end.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

somethings not right

which means somethings wrong ?
no.
it just means its not right
just stfu

so like i dont know how i am.
not quite good
not quite bad
not quite okay

its just all these mixed shit
im so lost and i dont even know if its my world im in.

i dont feel like blogging
goodnight

Thursday, May 13, 2010

four fucks ache

i dunno how long i can keep this up
fucking hell, i must have the worst luck with women
lol or maybe its just me
but i wont change.
not willingly anyways
not "oh fuck i needa be a better person"
"oh now im a good person, ive changed, im differnt"
Shut the fuck up. your only fooling yourself.
fuck that shit

what will i do?
option A: bottle it up until i explode
option B: drink until im happy (temporarily)
option C: puch some walls, break my fingers
option D: be depressed, take it out on my friends
option E: be emo and beg for attention
option F: brush it off liek its nothing, get over it
option G: change who i am as a person(pffftt)
option H: scream/cry/cut myself/whatever
option I: stfu and stop bitching
option J: be everything im not

see im a little bit lost without you
and im bloody big mess inside

fuck, not like theres anything i can do anyways
im not gonna get all sad and depressed
over something i could have but didnt do.

i needa get my shit together.
but i know i wont hahaha
i guess i'll just hope for the best and expect the worse
again

and again

and again.

goodnight

ps.how can i be sure about you when i can never be sure of myself?

pss. thats not even a ps.

Monday, May 3, 2010

i really need a wish right now

take my photo off the wall if it just wont sing for you,
cause all thats left has gone away and theres nothnig there for you to prove.

fuck your life.

Newton's Third Law of Motion:
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

yeah im not that angry.
but im pretty fucking angry

oh sorry alice btw.
i dunno why at that moment.
maybe cos im so comfortable around you?

but i have been hearing that word quite often lately.
or maybe im just paying attention now ?
i dunno wtf my problem is.

so so jealous.
so so envious.
so so fkn rage.
but its okay.
not really but yeah
you cant help it.
i can but i refuse.

fuck

nah im not gunna complain over something i can but wont change.
fuck
that

not really a blogging mood anymore.
goodnight

time to studyyyyy

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

you fuckers make me sick

its not that i want to hold a grudge, its just hard to forget.

my mind has been spinning the fuck out
i dont know who the fuck anyone is anymore
i dont know who i hate and shit
it feels like everyone is just . . .
fuck it

you ever look in the mirror and see nobody.

i should study for my maths test instead . . . . nah fk it
i'll ace that mother fucking piece of shit.
probably not, now that i have jinxed it.
fucking hell. my "education" is fucked up
i wouldnt even call it an education
but what do i care, its only my future.

i have a reason but if i told you, it would be an excuse.

you ever shake just at the thought of something
like, its like you just dont know what to do
or your mind is at a stand still and all you can do is sit there and stare at your hands
like driving a plane, you know what you have to do
but you dont know how the fuck to do it

we're impossible but its okay

yeah its true
everybody pisses me off
its not like i like being angry i just dont wanna make it awkward
what do you do when your best friend pisses you off
who do you turn to then ?
the next best thing ?
what do you do when everyone has their back against you
who the fuck do you go to then.

the past makes me angry,
the present makes me sick,
and the future makes me scared

oh how ive waited to feel this way for so long
i feel like ive been born again
but i must admit, i thought i was stronger than this

Saturday, April 24, 2010

the problem is . . . .

i dont know if i care or not anymore
maybe im selfish, maybe im heartless
its like i dont give a shit
but its always on the back of my mind
i just dont know what to say or think anymore
but yes, i do acknowledge that its my fault
but no, i wont sit around and hate myself
yeah i made a huge fucking mistake
. . . . i dunno

yeah, as CGYD has pointed out
some of us arent feeling 100%
hmmm, i thought id have more to say about this topic but,
theres nothing i can do or say to make anything better.
i guess these stages of our lives make us or break us
OHHHH AYYYYYY
yeah i hate you :(

aha ha ha . . . . .
i know im an idiot, i know this is abad idea
but i cant help it
i dont want what you have to offer
if you know what i mean

i want to talk to you but i dont know how :S
liek wtf. WHERE MY BALLS AT?
like i know you and you know me but
we just dont talk. FUCK YOUR LIFE

i think ive reached that point in my life
like nothing matters, nothing is worth anything
although i know its not true but
its like, were all just wasting away in the end
im not happy, im not sad. im just floating in the medium of life.
theres got to be more to life then just getting wasted all the time

i cant believe i trusted you
fuck sake

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

im such a FUCKING dog

how could i do this to a 'friend'
how could i be so cold
so selfish.

dont worry, sooner or later it will all end
everything that you never knew
will disappear and we can all pretend to be normal again
no promises were made, no promises were broken
we can still walk away with all our limbs intact
and our hearts on our sleeves

I DONT FUCKING KNOW
where the fuck are you when i need you
who are you anyways
dont make promises you cant keep
dont get my hopes up just to get me down

i had another nightmare yesterday
you were in it
i woke myself up, but then i was in the middle of something
and i lost it
and i never knew how it ended
but i think i started another dream
it was crazy, you were . . . different

i wont know how to put this,
but i think im crazy,
or maybe its just how you make me?
no, i think im just an idiot for starting something so uncontrollable
fuck sake wtf am i doing
what the fuck mannnnnnn

breaking down wont make anything better
nor does drinking, smoking, crying, fighting, yelling or cutting yourself
your an idiot if you think it does.

feels so wrong, maybe cos i know its wrong
i really am the idiot in this story
but its only a short one anyways
im sorry but hahaha

one day, one day.

Friday, April 2, 2010

im doing this for you

i dont know what im doing,
what i want or where im going
i just know that im happy

actually i dont even know
im always bothered by thoughts
some good some bad some unsure

its so wrong yet so right
so perfect yet broken
fkn retarded

oh fuck you dont know how much i want this
i dont even know how much i want this

but . . . . . . i dunno
he said "fuck everyone else think about yourself for once"
but what if i get too selfish
or what if im thinking about myself too much
or what if im thinking about myself for the wrongest thing
but put everyone else first for the small things
I DONT FUCKING KNOW
mayeb its better off this way
not knowing

but , i DO want you to know
i dont like keeping secrets
not secrets that are mine

is it okay to sacrifice someone elses happiness for your own ?
will i dog you for my own benefit?
how cold can i be, can i really turn my back on you
are we even friends do i even treasure this "friendship"
DO YOU EVEN MATTER TO ME ?
it doesnt matter if i matter to you
i dont really care

i really really fucking need your help
but i fucking cant , i fucking cant

this is going to bother me for ages
i may be moody, you may wonder whats wrong
but in the end it wont matter
or will it

i really need to figure out what i want
i needa stop asking others to live my life for me
im such a lost kid
im sorry in advance if i choose to be selfish :\
hope im not sorry forever though
forgive me, dont judge me, stay
please
i dislike myself
goodnight

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"loving" you would be a waste of time

stupid of me to believe in anyone but myself

far out, i hate when youre so sure of yourself
then everything you thought you knew
you have to reconsider and then its like :s

would you believe what your close friend that talks shit alot says?
or a sensible looking stranger ?

this concept continues to leave me confused
oh fuck eng sac
maths chap 6 and 7
multi media folio
design tech thingy
no time to blog bye for now

Thursday, March 11, 2010

the doors are open but the legs wont move


the concept of friendship will always amuse me
such a broad word. such a misunderstood term i'd say
but yeah whatever, everyone elses loss but mine
and backstabbing is quite very amusing too
spreading rumours, excluding, using, betrayal
i love the human nature, especially women
i reckon guys are more typical and predictable
but yeha theres always the rare ones of everything

so, my hormones have been uncontrollable these past few days/weeks
but i like it and i know i should and i have to but i kinda dont care
i feel like Tarzan ripping through everything just to get to you
but no matter how close i get i know i'll never tell you how i feel anyways

yeah so ive had a huge dilemma lately
its pretty much a room full of open doors and im just sitting in the middle
and i aint moving

i dont know why, but i feel like im learning more about everyone everyday
;their flaws, their favourites, their strengths and their weaknesses
;the people that dont matter, im still working on people that do though :\
;the people i go to when i need a laugh
;the people to steer away from when im not feeling myself
not really but it sounds good enough to type, so i did

i wonder who will still be my friends after year 12
familiar faces will soon disappear
maybe more will pop up
i doubt it, but i'll keep my hopes up anyways
i cbf now
i should have done my sac instead of this stupid blog
goodnight
i love ...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

its hard to hold on, but harder to let go

i dont want to be the best boyfriend youve ever had,
i just wanna be the best boyfriend i can be.

yeah i just randomly think of these things
for no reason at all.

coincidence that i blog RIGHT after chris blogs?
yes it is coincidence and that is all it is.

i dont even like the word boyfriend.
like wtf yeah hes a boy and yeah hes your friend
but wait NO he isnt just your friend
hes much more
so why call him your friend ?

COZ YOURE A FUCKING RETARD.

its not really a secret that i have
its an expression, but im not stupid.
im not giving this up. not yet

fuck, how the fuck am i supposed to compete with this kunt.
so id rather not. id rather drive myself insane

yeah i know the year has "just" started
but i feel ive learnt alot already
is this maturity? is this growing up?
i like but dont like
i feel better, maybe its my haircut.
i always feel cockier after a haircut :)

we're wasting away.
stressing over nothing
year 12 is over . . . reacted ?
its not THAT bad. but yeah
just in case, stress now so we dont have to later ay

im scared.
i miss you and i dont even know who you are.
people are getting on my nerves
the people i least suspected.
this is our year, lets not waste it.
goodnight

Saturday, February 6, 2010

all i see is you

20/01/10

I'm spinning out and i don't know where I'll land

far out why do i have to complicate myself so much
why can't i just like someone and tell them how i feel
or why cant i choose a girl who doesn't have a bloody boyfriend
and why do i brush off the people that make the effort.
why am i so shallow
why must i always take the long way

fuck you and your games
fuck this idiot for playing them
and fuck this gutless piece of ass

stubborn ? or shy ? or gutless
or just plain stupid

and now i continue, on a different note
06/02/10
school. fucking drainer.
work. even worse.
and then i gotta go tudor this year :\

i had all this shit in my head to blog about,
but ive forgotten it now.
i think i get jealous really easily,
and protective of whats not even mine.
but theres nothing i can or want to do about it.
its just how i am.
school feels really different.

i dont know who i am anymore
and the identity and belonging shit is gunna
fuck with my head even more. i know it
and the word friend is also an over used word
bloody interenet. bloody attention seeking emo bitches
bloody "friends" but wtf do i know about being a friend
i cant stick to someone for than a couple years
i cant cheer a sad friend up
i cant offer protection or comfort
but yeah, im not gunna force myself or fake anything
ill just deal with myself thanks.

fucking hell i dunno why the fuck i got angry okay
okay i lied i do know, but its not your fault
maybe its mine, but i aint blaming myself

i feel like this is my year.
but year twelve is blocking it for me
i have high hopes for this year but little expectation.
or maybe i expect a lot but i feel theres no point getting my hopes up.

who the fuck are you to call yourself my friend
who am i to think im better than you
im PAVIS. thats who mother fucker
and yeah i need a hair cut. WHAT NUGGA.

i like you
i do no i dont yes i do no i dont wtf are you on about
wtf are you on about do you liek her i dunno yes no yes no
just because i miss you it doesnt mean i like you
just because i get jealous. it doesnt mean i like you
just because i like you, it doesnt mean i wanna talk to you everyday
just because i dont ask you out, it doesnt mean i dont like you
just because its hopeless it doesnt mean im gunna give up

its only a lost cause if youve already gave up.

i must say, competition is crazy these days
or maybe ive always been handycapped ?
but fkn girls and their shit guy lovers
dont be a dumbitch then complain about it

i hope im never over dependant on my girlfriend
i dont want to build my world around someone
kinda scary :\

that michael BOOBle song is quite good
havent met you yet or something
i cant wait to meet you.
but fuck, not like ill gather the balls to ask you out anyways
fuck this gutless lifeless selfish selfpity-ous mother freezer.
goodnight to you

Friday, January 15, 2010

go fuck yourself

i think I've lost faith in something or someone
and I'm not feeling as hopeful for anything
maybe im giving up
maybe im just tired
maybe im just worn out

or maybe im just sick of all your shit
maybe i cant be fucked with dealing with annoying people
maybe ive surrounded myself with assholes and
im just realizing now

mayeb im just a wreck thats seeking attention
but i'll never know for myself
ill only know when i hear teh whispers behind my back
telling me the story of my life through gossip

hmmm ive left this blog on my screen for quite a while now
and ive just completely changed moods
but seriously
you people fucken piss me off so bad


i dont believe in forever. goodnight

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

missing pieces

life is quite good now
i feel extra popular during this period
im busy and happy and everyone else seems great
but i dont know,
i feel somethings missing
or maybe im just finding an excuse to hate again
yeah i was called ungrateful lately.
mayeb i am . oh well. doesnt really bother me toooooo much

abit very confused. but thats so normal i cbf that shit
yeha im thinking im two faced, but you might call it being polite
or just two faced. but the anger that i "express". i wouldnt even call anger
its just facial expressions and hand movements. not emotion

okay being two faced and anger have nothnig to do with each other.
damn my poor structuring skills. :@

enough for now.
no not the fray, just no.
goodnight, and sorry if i ever back stabbed you.
shame on me . ha ha ha.